Thoughts on My Mom

Sunday was Mother's Day. Fortunately for me, I was able to be with my mom and dad to enjoy their company and express heartfelt sentiments. My parents are now in their eighties. They enjoy good health. They have had wonderful, fulfilling lives, devoting time and effort to their children and grandchildren. I love them for that.

When I was about eight, my mom gave each of the children a notebook and asked us to write down the things we liked and didn't like about her. Today while going through some old files, I found the things I wrote.

What I Like About My Mother
"Mother, I like you because you cook for me and buy me new clothes. And you are so patient with me when I am sick. I love you very much. You are so nice when you let my friends come and play with me. You keep the house so very, very clean. That's the part I like. You cook the best meals I have ever tasted. Sometimes when you leave you get a baby sitter for us. You were very nice when you took us to Grandma's house and when you took us to the college ranch when it was raining. You are nice when you take the time to go to the store and get us kids play things. You take your money for Mrs. Price to clean our house. And you went down to Grand Central and got me this tablet to write this with. You don't have to do it but you give me piano lessons. You got the gas log for us to keep warm. I LOVE YOU."

What I Hate About My Mother
"I don't like it when you don't let me go to places like when you don't let me sleep with Joyce or when you don't let friends sleep with me. I don't like it when you are cross and angry and swear. I don't like it when you ground me. I can't think of any more things except when you won't take us to the store. I don't like it when you make us tend and when you make us do the dishes."
By Meg Southwick (about age 8 or 9)

Do I sense an aversion to work or curtailment on my freedoms? Well, OK. There you have it! The good, the bad, the likes, the hates. After twenty five years of parenting, my list of "What I Like/Hate About My Mother" has changed. Alot.

I look at the timeless gifts wrapped in love that my mother bestowed upon each of her children. My mother has risen above the worldly import of being a person of success and has focused her life on being a person of value. What distinction do I make between a mother of success and a mother of value? A mother of success in a worldly sense does things more for her own gratification or satisfaction whereas a mother of value does things for the good of her family. A mother of success is concerned with end results. A mother of value is concerned with the process. Albert Einstein put it in these terms (and I paraphrase this): "The successful [wo]man takes more out of life than [s]he puts into it; while the [wo]man of value gives more to life than [s]he takes out of it."

I once worked as a prosecutor in Juvenile Court. So many times I found myself wanting to take the kids I filed petitions against (the adult system would call these criminal charges) and parent them. They needed love, guidance, security and direction. Some would never have a healthy chance at life because of the terrible parenting and horrible, dysfunctional homes they were forced to live in. Yes, I am being judgmental in my portrayals because to me, that is exactly what it was. Terrible parenting. Tremendous obstacles with fetal alcohol syndromes, drug addictions at birth, physical and mental abuses in the home, yada yada yada.

My favorite poster in the office said, "Good kids don't just happen." So true. It was extremely evident that kids with total freedoms and no discipline or boundaries as children fell into an upside down V pattern representing total freedoms at the bottom and locked down confinement at the top. Children and youth with few or no boundaries often enter the "system" that forces upon them appropriate behaviors with institutionalized curtailments such as detentions, probation parameters, etc. Many face incarcerations in jails or prisons as adults, representing the tip of the upside down V having little to no freedoms whatsoever.

Contrast that with a V pattern in healthy homes. Good parents give children restricted freedoms until teaching and responsibility safely allow expansions into realms where freedoms are appropriate. Societal patterns and norms are taught along with social appropriateness. Ideally as children grow and mature, the V continues to widen until freedoms are endless because of good choices and responsible behaviors.

Being a person of value, my mom encouraged each of us to excel in something. She devoted many hours of her time in helping us find our passion. For my oldest brother, it was taking care of animals.

We had a family dog, but his interests soon grew to include frogs, fish, lizards, tadpoles, salamanders, turtles, snakes, iguanas, horn toads, etc. My brother turned our furnace room into his personal zoo. My mom had shelves built along the walls and over time, my brother amassed over ten aquariums and terrariums.

One day before school, my brother plugged the floor drain in the washroom and the space under the door with towels. After flooding the floor with water he let his two Caiman alligators swim around. My mom was shocked and not amused. She took my brother out of school to clean up the room and put the alligators away. But she still let him keep them.

Another time, he ordered a red tailed hawk from South America which surprised my mom when it was delivered to our house. Our neighbor helped Edward build a cage for it with wood and chicken wire. "Fluffy" became our family project. We took turns getting fresh meat scraps from George at George's Market to feed him. The meat also fed two piranhas.

When my brother was about ten, he went to Yellowstone with his friend. He asked me to feed his animals with the following note:

Alligator: 8 fish every day. Kind of big but not too big.
Brown turtle: 2 fish
Little turtle: 1 little fish
Green turtle: feed on Saturday 1 little fish
Lizard: 8 ants a day - turn light off at 8 p.m. Turn on at 7 a.m.
Big fish: 5 sprinkles a day
Little fish: pinchful of food - turn light on at 8 a.m.
Mosquito fish: goldfish food
Bring frog cages in.
Do all this and you get a surprise.

My younger brother, Jim, was fascinated with electronics. His room was full of wires, buzzers, CB radios, and the like. He got his HAM radio license at age 13 and communicated with people from all over the US and other countries. He still loves electronics and has enjoyed a very fun, fulfilled life with his hobby. He has been John Densmore's webmaster (drummer and songwriter for "The Doors") for many years.

In the Doctrine and Covenants 60:14 it reads, "I give unto them a commandment thus: Thou shalt not idle away thy time, neither shalt thou bury thy talent that it may not be known." My mom firmly believes if a child has a talent, it is the parent's responsibility to help him/her develop it.

Both my sister and I began taking piano lessons very young. My mom spent hours with us each week on the piano bench, correcting buckling knuckles and counting out rhythms. She spared no expense in getting us the best music teachers she could find. Not only did she drive me thirty-five miles to Salt Lake for my lessons, she also recorded them so that I could listen to my teacher, Gladys Gladstone repeat the lesson, correct any mistakes, phrase the music, and be ready for the next lesson. Her efforts have brought many experiences of untold joy and inner satisfaction to both my sister and I as we have shared this talent with others.

Every Christmas we got, "do-kits". These were briefcases filled with markers, paper, crayons, paste, scissors and a box of Band-aids. Don't all kids love Band-aids? We spent hours projecting together. My favorite room in my house today is the craft room. I think I have passed down to my children the love of paper, markers, crayons, paste, scissors and Band-aids and of course, scrapbook supplies! I pride myself on being able to complete any project without going to the store.

One year modge-podge was all the rage. My mom, being a person of value, decided that our family should get acquainted with the world's greatest artists and their masterpieces. She bought a large book containing fifty of the most revered paintings. For a summer project, we modge-podged the prints onto plywood boards. It took a long time because we had to stain, sand and seal each one. She pasted background information about the painting and artist on the back of the boards then hung them in the basement.

One day in elementary school, my teacher showed us "Sunflowers" by Van Gogh.

She explained how revolutionary he was for his time and such a genius. I quickly raised my hand and said that my mom owned that piece and I could bring it to school to show the class. To this day, he is one of my favorite artists. I cried the day I saw "Starry Night" at the Musee d'Orsay in Paris.

I am always amazed at the masterful way Jesus Christ dealt with the Pharisees, the scribes, the elders, the sick and afflicted, the needy, the wealthy, the poor, the learned, etc. He loved everyone and served them regardless of rank or status. My mom has similar traits to this. She finds the good in everyone and has always encouraged us to treat people in all walks of life with dignity and respect.

My mom exposed us to cultural and social diversity at a very young age. I am sure we were the only family in the neighborhood who subscribed to "Ebony." We often took Christmas to the poor, clothes to the needy, and music to the lonely. While on vacation, she and my Dad met a girl in Mexico whose dream was to get an education in the U.S. They invited and sponsored Irma to live in the U.S. with us. Frightened and timid, she enrolled at Weber State University, speaking broken English and having difficulty understanding her professors. Imagine the pride of my parents when she not only graduated from WSU with a B.S. degree but continued on to get a Masters Degree from the University of Utah and a PhD from Kansas University. She is now a tenured professor at Western Michigan University in Kalamazoo but still "comes home" to be with us for Christmas.

Motherhood is a learning process you never graduate from. It is rich with bounteous, joyful experiences. President Kimball said, "Motherhood is a holy calling, a sacred dedication for carrying out the Lord's work, a consecration and devotion to the rearing and fostering the nurturing of body, mind and spirit of those who kept their first estate and who came to this earth for their second estate to learn and to be tested and to work toward godhood."

Motherhood is not always easy. Children bring such pleasure -- and sometimes grief. The highs are higher and the lows are lower. "Men are that they might have joy." This joy is partly recognized from opposition.

I love my mom and my children. I love my dad and husband, too. I pray for guidance and strength to be a mother of value over a mother of success and wish my mom a Happy Mother's Day!